Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Disorder in Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place...
        ______________________________
       ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
       WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
       WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
       WITNESS: I forget.
        ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
       forgot?
       ___________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
        has ever been involved in voodoo?
       WITNESS: We both do.
        ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
       WITNESS: We do.
        ATTORNEY: You do?
       WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
                       sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
       WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
       ____________________________________
       ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
       WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
        ___________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
       WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
        _________________________________________
        ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
       WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
       WITNESS: Getting laid
        ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
       WITNESS: Yes..
        ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
       WITNESS: None.
        ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
       WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
                      Can I get a new attorney?
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
       WITNESS: By death.
        ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
       WITNESS: Take a guess.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
       WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
        ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
       WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
       _____________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
                       people?
       WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
       _________________________________________
        ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
                       What school did you go to?
       WITNESS: Oral.
        _________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
       WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
        ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
       WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
       WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
       ______________________________________
       And the best for last:

       ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
                       pulse?
       WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
       WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
       WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
                       when you began the autopsy?
       WITNESS: No .
        ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
       WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
        ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
                       nevertheless?
       WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
                       practicing law.

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